I Met Honey Boo Boo

You can't argue that one of the biggest pop culture phenomenons to come out in the past year is the TLC show "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo".

They family has appeared on virtually every talk show.  They have been parodied on Saturday Night Live, South Park, and the new installment of "Scary Movie".

The show has been supercharged with controversy.  It chronicles a poor rural southern family that participates in toddler pageants.  People have said that it is a train wreck and exploitive to the family.  Others have criticized the families life style as they eat unhealthy and give their 7 year old daughter mountain dew mixed with red bull to prepare for her pagents.

I will not argue that there are some questionable moments on the show.  As we all know, reality shows are heavily edited and "The Learning Channel" chooses to leave in shots of the family picking their noses and farting.

Is it fair to say this family is responsible for representing the South?

Is there truly anything wrong with the way they live?

Why do we watch this?

I don't have all the answers, but I do find the show fascinating. I feel that the for all the negative things that people say about the family, there is alot to be said is positive about them.  The family not only truly seems to love each other, but seem to do everything together.  This is the sort of family values that everyone claims is missing from America.  While they may embody some of the negative stereotypes people have about poor Southern Whites, they do a lot to break stereotypes.  The family is shown to be completely excepting and loving of the father's gay brother "Uncle Poodle".  June, the mother, even appeared at the GLAAD awards.

The family also uses their facebook page to raise money for anti-bullying campaign.

As anything that reflects on the public's view of the South, I am truly fascinated.

I saw something recently that flabbergasted me.  The family was having a free meet and greet at their house to raise money for the local girl scout troop and they were inviting the public to show up.  So, to get this straight: The stars of one of the most popular shows on television are inviting all their fans to show up at their home!

Am I gonna go?  Hell yeah!

So yesterday, I showed up to the iconic house by the railroad track, which still had its Christmas lights up.

You could hear June shouting as soon as I got out of the car.  It was like stepping right into the show.  After just being around the family for a few minutes, it takes away any doubt about how genuine the family is.  There is no faking in this reality show.

I started out by getting my picture taken with Honey Boo Boo's two older sisters:  Chubbs and Pumpkin.

And her father: the long suffering "Sugar Bear"

Who is incredibly tiny in real life.  I am only 5'7.

Then the star of the show came out of the crowd shouting that she had to use the bathroom:  Alana "Honey Boo Boo" Thompson.

"Hey Alana!"  The crowd shouted.  "Hey stupid person!" She turned and shouted back.

The mother June was very kind and sweet.  Happily posing for pictures without asking anyone for anything in return.  By comparison, at another venue I saw the stars of History Channel's "Moonshiners" charging $25 dollars for pictures.

Honey Boo Boo was signing autographs in the families garage.

By the time I got in there she was not happy.  She was chowing down on girl scout cookies and drinking Mountain Dew and was at the end of her rope.  She was sick and tired of signing autographs and wanted to go play with her friends and sisters.  At one point she put her face down and refused to talk, despite the fact that there were over a hundred people waiting in line to meet her.  You could tell that she is a little sick of being famous.

She was kind enough to let me take a picture of her with my traveling companion Little Satan.

She told me she was not a devil, but then gave him a little hug.

The impression I got was that the family are good genuine people, who are a bit perplexed on why everyone finds them so interesting.  June said people had been waiting outside since 7:00 in the morning, which baffled her.

I want to reiterate that they made absolutely no money off this whole event.  They allowed the local girl scouts to sell cookies and they took donations for the local human society.  They allowed their fans into their personal space and asked for nothing in return.  They may not have good manners, and they may be a little loud, but they are genuine good people.

The Carpetbagger

Please feel free to e-mail me at jacobthecarpetbagger@gmail.com
and check out my Flickr Photostream

Kudzu

Spring is here and in the South that means one thing:  The Kudzu is ready to bloom.

For those of you not familiar, here is a brief history of Kudzu.

Kudzu is a vine from Asia.  In the late 1800s it was introduced to the Southeast United states as both a way to control erosion and as a cheap food supply for cattle.  When farmers begin to plant Kudzu they did not know what they were in store for.  When Kudzu was hit by the hot Southern sun it grew in a way it never did in Asia.  The Southern sun was to Kudzu what radiation was to Godzilla.  The Kudzu grew at an insane rate quickly growing out of control and growing faster then farmers could maintain.  To add insult to injury, its super growth also made it harder and undesirable for cattle to eat. 

Kudzu is said to be able to grow over a foot a day.  It has earned the name "The Vine that Ate the South".  It covers and kills everything in its path.

Forests.....

 

Homes.....

And vehicles.....

Over the course of the summer grows faster, thicker and deathlier.......However, once winter hits it undergoes a transition from lush green.....

To a brown carpet of death......

Take a look......

There is a car under there.......

Over the Course of a year I took a series of photos of the same garbage truck to show the evolution of Kudzu over the seasons.

As you can see from some of the above pictures, Kudzu often forms interesting shapes depending on what it covers.  This has led to another trend:  Kudzu Jesus.

Here are three reported occurrences of Kudzu Jesus (All found in NC).  These are not my photos

NOT MY PHOTO

NOT MY PHOTO

NOT MY PHOTO

Its kind of a Mountain version of the Tortilla Jesus.

Y'all have a nice spring, but remember, the Kudzu is coming............


The Carpetbagger

Please feel free to e-mail me at jacobthecarpetbagger@gmail.com
and check out my Flickr Photostream

Donny Doesn't Live Here Anymore

When I drove by this trailer awhile back I got a sick feeling in my stomach.  Something was missing.  The door used to be covered with hand scrawled notes.  Most prominent was a one that stated "Jehovah's Witnesses Will Be Shot on Site".

I knew the man that lived here and it was clear he did not live here anymore.

When I first moved to the South in 2000 I got a job as a waiter at a local family style southern cooking restaurant.  Donny was a dishwasher in his mid 50s that had been working there for over 20 years.  I have to admit I didn't know what to make of Donny at first.  He dressed from head to toe in camouflage, wore a toy sheriff's badge everyday and sported a mullet.  He was constantly removing his dentures and reapplying denture cream with his food covered hands.  When we got really busy he would swear under his breath and stare off into space with a murderous gaze.

One day out of the corner of my eye I saw someone throw a sharp knife into his silverware tub while Donny wasn't looking.  I reached in and scooped out the knife and showed it Donny and told him to be careful.  After this Donny was extremely warm to me and always took time to stop and talk to me.

Donny fancied himself as a comedian and would love to let me hear his new material.  Most of his jokes were fairly off color. 

"Hey Jacob, Did you hear about the knew study?  The proved that eating ***** makes your teeth fall out!"  Then he give a thumbs up and a big smile without his dentures.

Another favorite trick was was for him to pretend to slit his wrist with a broken dish while pouring beat juice on his wrist, creating a fairly convincing and gruesome image.  I saw him nearly give a little waitress a heart attack.

His favorite saying was "If Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny aren't real, then God and Jesus Don't stand a chance."

Donny did not drive and could always be seen walking up and down town on his day off.  His off-work uniform was always a cut-off shirt that exposed his mid rift and  extremely short cut jean shorts.  He asked me one day what the law was about carrying knives in public.  He stated that he had been sexually propositioned bu a man.  Donny stated that he could dress anyway he wanted and it didn't mean he was gay.

Donny's soft spot was cats.  He had a scorpion tattooed on his arm.  He explained that this was in honor of his dead cat Damien, explaining that he could not think of anything that represented Damien better then a scorpion.  

Donny used to live on the hotel property in a halfway abandoned section of rooms known as "the cat house".  When the cat house was condemned and transformed into a place for migrant workers to shuck corn Donny moved into a single wide trailer down the road. 

I was promoted to night security guard after a few years.  It was an unwritten rule that the night security guard drove Donny home.  Despite the fact that this was actually very much against the rules, it was something you just did.  Donny had a bad back and after a night of washing dishes he was in no shape to be walking 2 miles to his trailer. 

As I gave Donny his nightly ride he would tell me how anxious he was to get home and listen to his favorite radio show "House of Hair" with Dee Snider from Twisted Sister.

There was a time when the other security guard was driving him home and accidently ran over a kitten.  Every night when I drove him back to his trailer we would pass this spot and he would let out a "Meow", stating it was in honor of the dead kitten.  He would stop mid sentence to say "Meow".

In addition to being a comedian, Donny also fancied himself as a musician.  Donny's instrument was the bongo drums.  Donny was very excited when he got a "gig" as the entertainment at the employee Christmas party.  Donny got up in front of the audience like a true showman.  He dedicated his performance to the victims of 911 and to R&B singer Aliyah (Who had died recently).  He flipped on a pre-recorded back beat on an old ghetto blaster style radio and wailed on his bongos.  Donny went into a trance and beat his bongos for what seemed like hours without making a sound.  He later told me he was very proud of his performance.

Donny would spend the next year anticipating the employee Christmas party and preparing his bongo performance.  He showed up the following year to find that he was the only person there.  The entire staff had ditched the Christmas part in protest of the fact that they refused to allow alcohol.  They all went to a more alcohol friendly party.  No one told Donny about this.  I did not attend because I was out of state visiting family.  Donny walked all the way back to his trailer by himself sobbing.

I would leave the restaurant shortly after this on bad terms.  The owner was a psychopath and chased me across the parking lot when I quit saying he was going to kick my ass.

I never had a chance to say good bye to Donny.  I always hoped that whoever replaced me was still giving him rides home.

When I ventured back through the old property I found Donny's trailer with all his sign down.  I have not seen him since.  I hope nothing bad happened and I hope he did not have to suffer the indignity of being fired by the old bastard that ran the place, who loved firing people for no reason just to keep other workers on their toes.

I hope Donny is out there still being Donny.  Donny had been dealt an undesirable hand in life and it never slowed him down.  Life kept letting him down, but he never seemed to loose his smile.

 The Carpetbagger

Please feel free to e-mail me at jacobthecarpetbagger@gmail.com
and check out my Flickr Photostream

Babyland General: Freakiest Place on Earth

I am a huge fan of Roadside America.  Whenever we are traveling I make sure to check for anything interesting on the way.  Unfortunately, the rest of my family isn't always as excited about driving an hour out of the way to see some fiberglass monstrosity or obscure museum.

There is however one place that we can all agree on.  For all our own reasons, we love Babyland General in Cleveland, GA.

Babyland General is a mecca for lovers of Cabbage Patch Dolls.  Many people may not realize it, but Cabbage patch dolls are based off of old Appalachian craft dolls.  A man named Xavier Roberts took them global and became a billionaire.

Babyland General is not just an outlet store.  They sell one of a kind designer Cabbage Patch Dolls which range from 300-600 dollars a pop.  But there is so much more...........

The original Babyland General was in an actual closed down hospital the utilized some of the old hospital equipment.  Check out these premature dolls in their incubators.

You can see the world's oldest Cabbage Patch Doll "Dexter"

You will also get a once in lifetime chance to meet Mrs. Cabbage, the one and only adult cabbage patch doll.

The main event however is the chance to see an real live cabbage patch birth.  Behold:  The Magic Crystal Tree.

Every so often an announcement blares over the PA that Mother Cabbage is dilated and ready to give birth.

Anticipation builds as Dr. John Cabbage appears under the Magic Crystal Tree.

Then the magic begins.  Dr. Cabbage launches into his spiel.  As he delivers the Cabbage baby he lets forth an unrelenting onslaught of Cabbage based puns.

"Mother Cabbage's clorophyll count is normal" 

"Luckily the baby is not born feet first, or that would be a "branch" delivery"

"The babies have ears because an intern planted a row of corn to close to the cabbage patch"

"They have never performed a c-section.....cabbage section"

And then, emerging from the cabbage leaves, a child is born into this world....

Check out this video that shows the miracle of life.....

In a slightly disillusioning encounter, I once saw Dr. Cabbage smoking a cigarette behind the hospital

As I said, we all enjoy Babyland General for different reason.  My wife enjoys that nostalgia of her childhood it invokes, my daughter enjoys the dolls,  I enjoy the sheer bizzareness of it all...........and my son......Okay, I lied.  My son hates this place.

Of course, don't forget to stop by the gift shop an buy the ultimate Babyland souvenir:  The Babyland Shot Glass.

A few years ago Babyland General moved out of the old hospital and into a shiny new facility.  We attended the grand opening they did at Easter.

The charm they had from using the old hospital was gone, but they did have a few noticeable improvements.

For one they had giant Cabbage Patch kids stalking the premises.

They added some slightly unsettling antimatronic dolls as well.

They did keep their bred and butter with mother cabbage and the Magic Crystal Tree, but they hired a younger better looking Dr. Cabbage.

With our adventure into the strange world that is Babyland General coming to an end, I would like to leave you all with this magical musical number.

The Carpetbagger

Please feel free to e-mail me at jacobthecarpetbagger@gmail.com
and check out my Flickr Photostream

How Not to Treat an Indian Mound

Dotted across the United States there are mounds built by Native Americans.  These mounds were used as a central points of their community and sometimes even used to bury their dead.  A large amount of these mounds were thoughtlessly destroyed to make way for buildings, farming and roads.  Luckily some of these ancient treasures have been preserved.  Sometimes, however, they are not quite treated with the reverence they deserve

Nikwasi Indian Mound 

The Nikwaski Indian Mound sits right smack dab in the heart of the small town of Franklin, NC.  The mound was the center of a Native American town that existed over a thousand years ago.  The mound was nearly leveled at one point, but turn of the century school children collected pennies allowing the town to purchase it.  The Nikwasi Indian Mound still belongs to the town to this day.

There was one thing the town did not like about its historical treasure:  The mound was a pain in the ass to mow.  It was expensive and time consuming to keep the grass on the mound nice and trimmed.  The town decided that it was going to replace the grass on the mound with some sort of grass that stayed short.  Of course, first came the task of removing the old grass.  Which the town did simply by dousing the Nikwasi mound in poison.

The local Cherokee Tribe was appalled.  Nikwasi is considered a sacred site by the Cherokee people.  Cherokee Legend has it that the mound actually contains spirit warriors that protect the area.  They felt that slathering this site in poison was disrespectful and contrary to the traditions of the Cherokee tribe.

When the mayor of Franklin apologized to the tribe the county board of commissioners reprimanded the mayor, showing that they would do whatever they pleased with their mound.

The tribe has asked that the land be given to them.  It remains a tense situation to this day as the sad bald mound sits in the middle of town.

Nacoochee Indian Mound

The Nacoochee Indian Mound sits on the outside of Helen, GA.  It is known primarily for the Romeo and Juliettesque  Native American legend that is attached to it.  The story involves the Cherokee princess Nacoochee falling in love with a Choctaw brave named Sautee.  When Nacoochee's father, the chief, found out, he ordered Sautee thrown off of Yonah Mountain.  When Sautee was tossed off the Mountain Nacoochee jumped off as well, before dying the two lovers embraced.  The chief felt terrible for what he had done and buried the two lovers in the mound while they still embraced. 

Is it just me or do all Indian legends end with someone jumping off a mountain?

What we know for sure is that the mound IS packed with bodies.  The remains of at least 75 humans have been found at the sight.  

There is one other thing the mound is known for.  When the land was owned by civil war soldier John Nichols, he thought that the mound looked like a great place to stick a gazebo, so that is what he did.

  
Now, many people have pointed out that it is disrespectful to build a picnic area on top of a mass grave.  That is an understandable point.  Ironically, some feel that if Nichols had not placed the Gazebo on top of the mound it would have been plowed down like many of the other mounds in the area.  So in a backwards way Nicholas saved it.

Of course if you think that is bad............

House on a Mound

Now if you think building a gazebo on an Indian mound is bad, what about building a whole house.  This is a little known Indian Mount in Clayton, GA.  Building a house on top of an Indian Burial ground is the plot of quite a few horror movies.  It seems as though they were asking for it.  I actually knew the lady that grew up in this house and she had a few extra creepy stories.

I hope this article gave some usefull information on the care of Indian mounds!

The Carpetbagger

Please feel free to e-mail me at jacobthecarpetbagger@gmail.com
and check out my Flickr Photostream