Pro Wrestling: The One True Sport

One of my biggest secrets and guilty pleasures is that I have always been a fan of Professional Wrestling.  Its has always been something I have felt a little weird talking about and admitting.  Wrestling does have a certain stigma attached to it.  Unlike "traditional" sports it's not a genuine athletic contest.  While wrestling is definitely a show of athletic feets, the biggest draw has always been its drama and storylines.

That is what makes wrestling better then all other sports.  "Real" sports just don't have the same drama.  Have you ever seen two boxers fight over one eating the other's dog? Or maybe straight up try to murder each other on live TV.  Have the Chicago Bears ever snuck onto the field during a game with another team and cost the Green Bay Packers a game.

This drama and insanity gives Pro Wrestling the edge over any other sport.

I remember my first experience with the world of pro wrestling.  I was 11 years old spending the night at a friend's house and he flipped WWF wrestling on TV and I was hooked for life.

Take a look.  That is the Ultimate Warrior, a face painted tassel covered maniac, wrestling Sgt. Slaughter, an American military man that has defected to supporting Iraq.  The match is interrupted by an invincible zombie coming out of a casket and then the day being saved by none other then Mr. Hulk Hogan.  Watch that clip and tell me that you don't love wrestling.

After moving to the South I noticed a new kind of wrestling, one I never realized existed: local wrestling.  This is were we can watch people in our own community dress in wild costumes and battle each other in simulated combat.

I was both intrigued and a little frightened when I finally worked up the nerve to go to one of the local shows.  Now, as a kid I had seen live wrestling and had been to Wrestlemania 13, but nothing could prepare me for what a blast this would be.

Me, my son and two of his friends would go to the national guard armory and check out the the local wrestling federation.  We sat so close to the ring that the wrestler's spit and sweat flew on us.

The crowd was totally into it, screaming and cussing at the wrestlers.  The wrestler's would even let the audience get physically involved as the good guys would hold the bad guys and let audience members (usually girls) slap their chests.

This old lady even got a little carried away and attacked the bad guys.

After my first show I was hooked and continued attending the various wrestling shows through out Western North Carolina.

One of the craziest things is what these guys were willing to do to their bodies in order to entertain the audience.  Keep in my mind that they receive no compensation and are doing this for "fun".

Check this out

And this

This guy let someone drop him face first into a pile of thumb tacks.

His mother actually ran to ring and begged him to stop wrestling. Don't look to close, or you will see the thumb tacks stuck in his forehead. 

I think my favorite part of the experience is the crazy characters you come across.

This is Simon Sermon.  He is was one of the main bad guys.  I looked him up online and it turns out that he has released a documentary about himself being an openly gay wrestler.  Traditionally homosexual characters in wrestling such as Gorgeous George and Goldust have been portrayed as effeminate, cowardly, and perverted.  Simon's goal is to fight stereotypes and just be a wrestler who just happens to be gay.

He was great at playing the part of the villain and getting the crowd riled up and hating him.

As I was taking pictures.  He stopped to spit right at me.  It was awesome.

This is the Man they call "Cornbread"

He is one of the most popular wrestler's in the area and gets some of the loudest cheers.  Cornbread is actually the alter ego of this man.

The local High School Band teacher.  Cornbread receives huge support from his band students, as they show up in droves at local events and in one instance bombarded his opponents with actual hunks of cornbread.

Another one of the locals that is extremely popular is Billy "The Redneck" Starr.

 Despite looking like a guy that would roof your house, he had an odd charisma.  My son and his friends had him sign their bodies.

This is probably my favorite local wrestler is the mysterious "Goatboy".  He comes out to the ring with "Land Down Under" by Men at Work blaring over the intercom.  While wrestling he acts like an actual Goat while his opponent loudly complains that he should not be forced to wrestle and animal.

Here are some more of the colorful characters the frequent local wrestling matches

It isn't all for local boys, every once in awhile a big name wrestler from days gone by will show up.

Here is the Barbarian who wrestled for WWF and WCW during the 80s and 90s.

 Here is Ricky Morton, legendary underdog, who has wrestled for every organization under the sun for the last several decades

Here is Al Snow who wrestled for WWF in the 90s.  He was known best for talking to a severed mannequin head, for some reason he didn't bring the head.

So there you have it.  Wrestling is the only sport worth watching, and the bush league is way more awesome then the stuff on TV.  Visit your local National Guard Armory or High School Gym NOW!

The Carpetbagger

The Proud History of Hillbillies in Pro-Wrestling

Disclaimer:  None of the photos of videos in this particular article belong to me

I have talked in the past about the way Hillbilly characters have been portrayed in movies and television, but I haven't yet talked about one genre of entertainment that has always relied on the Hillbilly image:  Pro-Wrestling.  Now, as I have admitted in the past that I am a lifelong closet wrestling fan.  I just can't stay away from this lovely mix of violence and drama.

I won't be inducting any of these men into The Hillbilly Hall of Fame, as they are essentially actors portraying Hillbillies (further research will have to go into finding wrestlers who are Hillbillies in real life).

One may say that using Hillbilly characters in pro-wrestling is stereotypical and offensive.  However, anyone who has been following wrestling knows that stereotype characters are plentiful and pretty much every group of people of has been made into a 2 dimensional caricature.

Here is what a Canadian Wrestler looks like.....

A Native American Wrestler...........

A gay wrestler.......

  

And an African Wrestler......

Yikes.  Cultural sensitivity has never been one of wrestling strong points. 

Various "Hillbilly" characters have competed in wrestling over the years.   I wanted to take some time to look at them.

Hillbilly Jim

The grandaddy of all Hillbilly wrestlers, Hillbilly Jim appeared in the early eighties.  Being a walking stereotype, he was portrayed as goofy and uneducated, but he was always a good guy the fans could cheer for.  He was actually introduced on screen by Hulk Hogan, possibly the most famous wrestler ever.  Hillbilly Jim even had an extended family of goofy hillbilly relatives that joined him in wrestling:  Uncle Elmer, Cousin Luke and Cousin Junior.  These were their full ring names, so apparently, in Hillbilly culture your proper name includes how you are related to someone.  Nothing to offensive here.  Hillbilly Jim fit right into wrestling at the time, with its cartoon-like characters. 

The Godwinns

The Godwinns were the next generation of Hillbillies in wrestling.   Henry O. Godwinn debuted in the early 90s and was stated to be a pig farmer from Arkansas.  (Get it? His initials are HOG).  Henry would carry a bucket of "slop" to the ring with him and would dump nasty crap all over his defeated opponents.  

Henry would soon be joined by his cousin (how come Hillbillies always have cousins instead of brothers and sisters?)  Phineas I. Godwinn (Get it?  His initials are PIG).   Phineas was basically portrayed as having the personality of a young child, foolishly falling in love with an evil female manager named Sunny who would take advantage of him.  Hillbilly Jim would even come out of retirement and manage the Godwinns, passing the Hillbilly torch onto them.  The Godwinns would fill a similar role to that of Jim and his family, they were goofy good guys that the kids could cheer for.  They would square dance together in the ring to celebrate their victories.  As the tone of wrestling begin to change and its demographics shifted to older fans the Godwinns changed their schtick.

No longer were the Godwinns happy-go-lucky friendly Hillbillies, they removed their shirts and became scary Deliverance style hillbilly villains.   They would would even ditch poor Hillbilly Jim and replace him with the scarier "Uncle Cletus".  (Again with the relations-as-title thing).

Jesse and Festus

We head into the 2000s and return to the warmer crowd-friendly Hillbillies:  Jesse and Festus.  While they lacked the trademark overalls of past Hillbillies, there is not doubting  their Hillbilly cred. Just check out their theme music, entitled "Biscuits and Gravy".

                                                  

Jesse and Festus had a little more complex gimmick than past Hillbillies.  Jesse was smaller and was portrayed and a shy country boy, while the giant Festus was portrayed as mentally retarded and completely brain-dead. Jesse would actually have to hold his hand to guide him down to the ring. Festus would always be making this face and staring off into the distance. 

However, whenever Festus heard a bell ring he went crazy and transformed into a Hillbilly Incredible Hulk, destroying his opposition.  When he heard another bell he would revert back to his brain-dead self.  Fortunately, every wrestling match starts with a bell ringing.  In a humorous twist, bad guys would catch on and learn to ring the bell to neutralize Festus.

The Wyatt Family

We now move into the modern era with the Wyatt family.  The Wyatts are unique from all other wrestlers listed in this article.  The leader "Bray Wyatt" is a backwoods preacher/cult leader that talks in really creepy rambling prose.  He is always flanked by Eric Rowan and Lee Harper, his two frightening Hillbilly followers.  Think Charles Manson meets Deliverance.  Oh yeah, and Eric Rowan wears a really creepy sheep mask.

 

The video packages that the WWE put together for this group are some of the coolest things every seen in wrestling.  Check it out.

 I know wrestling gets no mainstream respect, but that is some of the best Southern Gothic storytelling I have seen in a long time. Who says wrestling isn't a true art form?

So, that was a brief look at this history of Hillbillies in Wrestling.  I look forward to see what Hillbillies the future will bring.

The Carpetbagger

Please feel free to e-mail me at jacobthecarpetbagger@gmail.com
and check out my Flickr Photostream

Bear Wrestling

For those of you who read The Carpetbagger with any regularity, you know that two of my favorite things to talk about are bears and wrestling.  So this time we are going to combine the two like peanut butter and chocolate and talk about Bear Wrestling.

Now, there are two primary animals that human being wrestle: Alligators and Bears.   Alligators Wrestling, while very dangerous, is an art form.  Alligators are apex predators that rely on surprise attacks in the wild.   However, any human being who knows what he is doing can beat an alligator in a wrestling match by using appropriate leverage and exploiting an Alligator's weaknesses. 

The Bear wrestler does not have such advantages.  A bear has no weaknesses.

Bear wrestling is a somewhat lost art.  In the past, at fairs and tourist traps like Cherokee, NC, the audience would be invited to try their luck at wrestling a bear.  There would usually be some ridiculous monetary prize for beating the Bear.  They could afford to do this, because no mortal man can beat a bear.  Bears are simply to strong and have the natural instinct to smash you to the ground.

Let's have a look!

Of course professional wrestlers did not want to be left out, so quite a few showed questionable judgment in wrestling bears.

Bear wrestling was still open to the public a few years back.  Caesar was a Black Bear whose trainer would award $1000 dollars to anyone who could beat him.

Well, that is until Caesar killed his trainer, firmly putting an end to bear wrestling in America.

Now, if you want to wrestle a bear, you will have to make the trip to Russia.

The Carpetbagger

Please feel free to e-mail me at jacobthecarpetbagger@gmail.com
and check out my Flickr Photostream

The Mountain State Fair

Who doesn't love the fair?  The combined fragrance of fried food and farm animals.....being spun in a circle....Displays of outright insanity.

Here in Western North Carolina we have "The Mountain State Fair".   It doesn't matter that the Mountains are not a state, we deserve our own fair, damnit.   As I talked about previously, my first trip to the Mountain State Fair was a magical experience, as I got to see my first freak show.   In addition to the freak show they had two separate exhibits featuring giant horses.

They were pretty big, I guess.....They also had a giant steer.....

Besides monstrous farm animals the fair also previously featured a "Clown Ministry".   For those who are unfamiliar with the idea of a Clown Ministry, its basically Church with Clowns.

I didn't follow the whole thing, but there was also a nerdy guy who looked like Stephen King that faced off with Satan in a boxing match.

Here's Satan.....

They also do an "agriculture based" magic show each year called "Agricatabra".  Here is the magician shoving a chicken's ass in a little girl's face.

Then of course there are the rides, over a dozen ways to spin you around in a circle.

My daughter always insists that I go for a spin with her.

The fair also features the legendary "Seattle Wheel"

This wheel was featured in the Elvis movie "It Happened at the World's Fair".  They have Elvis's seat, but they don't let you ride it.  Booooo.

Of course the real reason for a fair is for farmers and agriculturists to compete against each other.  I have always found this part a bit confusing, as I simply don't understand what makes one bean better than another.

I also pity those that have to judge who has the best hay.

And do the judges have to smoke the tobacco in order to judge it.

Also, you will get your share of dioramas made by school children that venture into truly surrealistic territory.

This year I was particularly excited about going to the Mountain State Fair as they were having three of my favorite events:  Pro Wrestling, Pig Racing and Alligator Wrestling.  The true county fair trifecta.

They have the hog races every year and they have become a family tradition.  For those who have not been to a hog race before, the concept it simple.  The master of ceremonies divides the crowd into sections, each  assigned to a different pig, who are named after nascar drivers.

 

Then the pigs race!  With the crowd viciously cheering for their pig.

They mix things up by racing other types of animals, such as goats.....

or ducks......

Seriously, forget baseball, this is the true national pastime......

This year was a big deal for us, as the big that was assigned to my daughter won its race!

Next up: Alligator Wrestling!  Now, I have seen Alligator Wrestling before in Florida, but this was a little different.  This wrestler was a one man show who called himself "Kachunga".

Now Kachunga did not disappoint.   He did the traditional alligator wrestling holds such as holding the gator's mouth open.

And tucking the gator's mouth under his chin....

What made Kachunga really stand out was the fact that he actually picked the gator up off the ground like a thrashing snapping sack of potatoes.

He also did a bit where he stuck his hand in an alligators mouth that actually scared the hell out of me....Just check it out....

Just watch this man at work.....

Now next, we have the People Wrestling!

Now, I am a huge fan of local wrestling, but there is something about seeing it at the fair that just made it seem a little more special.

This show was put on by Smokey Mountain Championship Wrestling.  The first bought featured the "The Wildman of the Mid Atlantic"

He was announced as being from Louisiana, so I thought he may have had a voodoo thing going on.  For some reason he did not seem to speak English and growled and made animal noises and occasionally screamed in gibberish.  Some may think the gimmick was a little insensitive.  Later, we were treated to two dancing African American gentlemen who called themselves the "Soul Patrol" and claimed to be from "Chocolate City".

They squared off against a couple of old school wrestlers who called themselves "The Hollywood Blondes"

The Soul Patrol was victorious after bitch slapping their competition, literally.

Here is Misty James, the woman's champion, billed as the Queen of Kingsport, TN.

Apparently her female opponent did not show up, so she had to wrestle a guy in a blue mask who pronounced that women have no place in wrestling.

The main event featured Ricky Morton, who wrestled for WCW and WWF in the 70s, 80s and 90s and still travels the independent scene.  His life is pretty much the plot to "The Wrestler".

As an added threat this year they had "Valencia the Rocketman" on the midway.

Valencia raised his cannon and had himself shot over top an operating ride on midway.

Now that's impressive.

There was also a Sea Lion Show where they did all sorts of Sea Lion things like balancing a ball on their noses....

and dancing to "Baby Got Back"

Of course all this excitement makes one build up quite an appetite, and if there is one thing the fair specializes in is producing food that makes you feel like you are doing something dirty and wrong by eating it.

One stand in particular caught my eye.....

Couldn't decide on fried Oreos or Fried Kool-Aid, so I had both.

Of course I saw one unholy creation I simply could not say no to.

The Kirsy Kreme burger......my heart says no, but my stomach says yes.

Good night!

The Carpetbagger

Please feel free to e-mail me at jacobthecarpetbagger@gmail.com
and check out my Flickr Photostream