Has Moonshining Jumped the Shark?

As I have discussed previously a massive part of Southern tourism is the Moonshine Still.  From Rock City to Dollywood, virtually every Southern Tourist stop big and small has a Moonshine still (this includes Disney World).

Recently, my wife told me that Moonshining was boring.  Initially, I argued.  Since moving to the South in 2000, I have become obsessed with Southern Culture.  This includes, unsuccessfully trying to hunt down Moonshining legend Popcorn Sutton before his untimely death.  Nothing says "The South" like Moonshining.

But I got to thinking.  Sure, the romantic image of the self sufficient rebel moonshiner is iconic to the South, but is the whole moonshining thing played out?

What is the thing about Moonshine that makes it desirable?  Why would you buy an illegal liquor when you can just go to the store and by something that will probably be cheaper and was not made in an abandoned gas tank?  It sure isn't the taste.  Moonshine tastes awful.  Its essentially flavorless straight liquor, with all the charm and sophistication of gasoline.

But, people still made it, and the illegal selling of moonshine is still a significant illegal industry.  It is the mystique of moonshine that sells it.  The very fact that it is illegal is part of the selling point.  It would give an individual a charge to buy and consume something that is "forbidden", without going into the territory of illicit drugs.

But guess what:  Moonshine has been legalized.  Now, going out and building a still in the woods is still illegal, but a Moonshiner can simply apply for a license to operate like a micro brewery.  The product is the same, but it is taxed and is regulated by the Government.

This legal moonshine has become a major industry here in the Mountains.  Even the estate of the deceased Popcorn Sutton partnered with Hank Williams Jr. of all people to release their own brand of legal moonshine.

The largest Moonshining manufacturer, is the Ole Smokey Moonshine, which sells a mason jar of moonshine for 25 bucks a pop.  They have national television commercial that is super duper schmaltzy.



To me, that's not how you sell Moonshine.........I would go more of THIS route (Warning: Link contains explicit material).   Moonshine isn't supposed to be warm and fuzzy.  Mooshine is gritty and real.  Moonshine is about crusty bearded men fighting the man.

The market seems to be flooded right now with everyone throwing their hat in the ring to market this rubbing alcohol flavored spirit.

But This country is in love with Moonshine.  There are currently 3 shows on TV about the production of Moonshine.  The original "Moonshiners" on the Discovery Channel showed Moonshiner Tim and his wacky sidekick "Tickle" along with a large cast of moonshiners from various states making illegal moonshine, while the law hunted for them.  It was always confusing on why you would do something secretive and illegal and allow it to be filmed for television, but I try to think the fun out of reality TV.

Various Mooshiners from the TV show, charging money for photos at a local trailer outlet

Moonshiners would get a spin-off called "Tickle" about the wackiest Moonshiner on the original show.  The show was way over the top and focused around Tickle finding a large stash of Moonshine in the woods (caught on Camera) and then trying to find a way to sell it.  Tickle was partnered with his two idiot friends in this slapstick adventure, which may be the first reality show to feature dream sequences.  Okay, again, not trying to rag on reality TV, but how do you film someone's dreams?

Now, Tickle has returned to the cast of Moonshiners as they try to start a LEGAL moonshine operation, which as I mentioned above is a lot less exciting.

Finally, There is Hatfield and McCoys: White Lightning.  This show featured members of the notorious feuding Hillbillies being forced to work together to make legal Moonshine.   Of course the recurring issue is that the families are still feuding over a a stolen Hog from the Mid 1800s and can't get along.   The features a lot of shouting and grown men acting incredibly petty.

I don't know how much gas the Moonshine fad has left in it.  Now that Moonshiner's have gone legit can they still manage to maintain interest.  I believe it is mythology that sells Moonshine and the novelty is in dire jeopardy. 

The Carpetbagger

Please feel free to email me at jacobthecarpetbagger@gmail.com
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Jackalopes

Here in the South we have some great mythological creatures: Mothman, The Skunk Ape, and the Rougarou.  However, there is one beast that the South cannot cannot claim:  The Jackalope.  The Jackalope is generally associated with states in the western United States, with Douglas, WY being the official capital.

The Jackalope is a true American tradition and the original taxidermy gaffe or "fake".  A man named Douglas Herrick is considered the father of the Jackalope, as he put deer antlers on a taxidermist rabbit as a lark and created thunder in a bottle.

Cherokee, NC

 Americans love the Jackalope.  For some reason the antlers look like they "belong" on the rabbit.  You could put deer antlers on anything else and it would not have the same impact.   It would just look ridiculously unnatural. 

Something about the Jackalope mix that just works.  Its equal parts mysterious and silly.

Now when you create an imaginary animal there is a huge opportunity to fill in the back story.  Over the years people have added bits to the Jackalope lore.  

Here are the cold hard facts:

• Jacklopes can be produced by cross breeding and Jack rabbit and an antelope.
• Jackalopes can perfectly imitate the English language, which they use to trick humans.
• Jackalope milk is an aphrodisiac and cures baldness.  Jackalopes sleep on their backs and can be milked while sleeping.
• Jackalopes can only mate when lighting flashes.
• Jackalopes love to drink whiskey, luckily when they are drunk they will mistakenly try to catch bullets in their teeth, making it much easier to kill them.

Even though the Jackalope is not native to The South, that does not stop fine Southern establishments from proudly displaying them.

Whistlestop Diner in Juliette, GA (Restaurant from Fried Green Tomatoes)

On of the more notable Jackalopes in The South is the massive Fiberglass Jackalope that can be found at the tourist mecca South of the Border.

Curiously, shortly after this picture was taken someone decided to paint him blue.

Still looks good...............

Fortunately for me, a friend from work found out about my obsession with Jackalopes (just one thing in a long list of obsessions) and offered to help me get my own.  She took me to an old barn that belonged to her family, where a Jackalope was nailed to the wall.  He was a little dusty, and his ears where a little shriveled, but he was still a thing of beauty.  She let me keep it, free of charge

Also, thank to the kindness of others, thanks to my friend Mary I am permitted to hunt Jackalopes in Douglas, WY.

 The only restriction is that it is only valid on June 31st.

The Carpetbagger

Please feel free to email me at jacobthecarpetbagger@gmail.com
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The Shell Factory

This time of year when even my part of the South is freezing cold, there is only one place in the world I want to be.

Florida!  Now some of you may want to argue that Florida isn't actually part of "The South".  I sadly, have to remind you that you are wrong.  Florida is too wonderful to not be part of the South.  We are calling it.   Florida sports some of the best tourist traps in all of the world.   I wanted to take a moment to talk about one of my favorite Floridian tourist traps:  The Shell Factory.

Since only God can makes shells, the name is a little deceptive.  Really the whole thing is one big weird touristy mini mall with shops and weird exhibits woven into each other.   And yes, they do sell lots and lots of shells.  There is a mini shell museum including a miniature cathedral made of shells and this stylish suite made of shells, that may lack in the comfort department.

Spread through out the complex are various shops, including one that only sells creepy Santa Clauses.....

Complete with a massive Fiberglass Santa outside......

There are photo ops galore.......

You can have your picture taken with fake Elvis......

Or if that's not your thing, you can have your picture taken with fake John Wayne.....

Or pose inside a shark jaw, with a haphazard aquarium background hung up behind it.....

Or pose with this golf cart decked out in shells.....

Then of course is the pirate room..........

Where I ran into an old friend.

All that is good, but the main of event of the Shell Factory, is clearly their taxidermy room, where you can find virtually any dead animal.....

Now, that one was just sad.....

As we were leaving the Shell Factory I saw a sign that has left me flabbergasted to this day....

The Carpetbagger

Please feel free to email me at jacobthecarpetbagger@gmail.com
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The Georgia Guidestones: America's Stonehenge

Standing in the sleepy little town of Elberton, GA is easily the most mysterious structure in all of America: The Georgia Guidestones.  Nicknamed "America's Stonehenge" the Guidestones are a conspiracy theorist's dream come true.

So, what are the Georgia Guidestones?  That's a little hard to explain.

The Guidestones consist of 5 enormous granite slabs holding up a 6th slab.  Each slab has the same message on it:  A list of rules to "guide humanity".  Each side is printed in a separate language: English, Spanish, Swahili, Hindi, Hebrew, Arabic, Chinese and Russian.

These rules are:

1. Maintain humanity under 500,000,000 in perpetual balance with nature.
2. Guide reproduction wisely — improving fitness and diversity.
3. Unite humanity with a living new language.
4. Rule passion — faith — tradition — and all things with tempered reason.
5. Protect people and nations with fair laws and just courts.
6. Let all nations rule internally resolving external disputes in a world court.
7. Avoid petty laws and useless officials.
8. Balance personal rights with social duties.
9. Prize truth — beauty — love — seeking harmony with the infinite.
10. Be not a cancer on the earth — Leave room for nature — Leave room for nature.

In addition to this the guidestones are articulated to be a clock, a compass and a calendar as shown in this diagram.

Now, the first question any normal person would ask is "Who made that thing?"   Surprisingly, we actually know the answer to this.  It was constructed by a local stone mason named Joe Fendley.

Not my photo

However, despite overseeing the entire construction, Fendley allegedly had no idea the meaning or purpose behind the Guidestones.   Fendley was a mason in the granite capital of the world Elberton, GA who had previously worked on smaller local monuments.  Fendley stated that he was approached by a mysterious man named R.C. Christian who gave him the blueprints and payed in full to have the monument erected.  Mr. Christian openly admitted that he was using an alias and allegedly only shared his true identity with a local banker, who to this day refuses to divulge it.

Fendley happily accepted the huge pile of money and erected the Guidestones.   The land was turned over to the county, who maintains it as a park to this day.

So, what is the meaning behind this thing?  Many assume that the Guidestones are essentially an instruction manual for the up coming apocalypse.  Others see it as something much more sinister: a satanic 10 commandments.  However, if that's true, the devil has sure gone soft.

Many have interpreted the rules as a call for a one world government, which has alarmed some Christian groups.  The talk of one language and one government are seen as some as a call for the apocalypse. 

There have been calls to demolish the monument, but the small town of Elberton is unwilling to lose the Guidestones, which are essentially the only tourist attraction they have.

In 2008, some Guidestone haters took it upon themselves and desecrated the stones with graffiti. 

They also splashed polyurethane paint on the stones, which is very difficult to remove, and some still remained when I visited.

As well as remnants of graffiti. 

 

That says "God is stronger than the NWO".   Which I am assume is referring to the Illuminati, not the professional wrestling bad guys.

Easily, the most troubling part of the Guidestones is rule number one, which states "Maintain humanity under 500,000,000 in perpetual balance with nature".   Now, the current estimated population of the world is over 7 Billion, this makes one wonder what exactly Mr. Christian plans on doing with the remaining 6 1/2 billion people.

R.C. Christian did pop up again when a book was released under his name in 1986 called "Common Sense Renewed".  It can be purchased on Amazon for the low low price of $424.95.   The book is scary stuff and essentially talks about using Eugenics to better society and having the government step in and decided who can and can't breed.  Its pretty scary stuff, although many doubt that it was actually written by the creator of the Guidestones and that was an attempt to cash in on the Guidestone phenomenon.  

So who is R.C. Christian?  

Some feel that R.C. Christian is none other then Joe Fendley himself and that he made up the R.C. Christain Story.  The whole mysterious structure was a mere publicity stunt to spark interest in the area and the granite industry.  What makes conspiracy theorists salivate is the fact that Joe Fendley was not only a mason in trade, but also a Free Mason, as was the majority of his construction crew.  So are the Guidestones a plot constructed by world's favorite secret society?

Not so fast, there is another man who many feel is behind the Guidestones.  This man:

Crazy Southern Billionaire Ted Turner!  After all, the Guidestones are only a 100 miles away from Turner's home base of Atlanta, GA.  Turner has made statements in interviews that seem to jive with the Guidestone's message.   He has stated that the optimal population density is between 250-300 thousand people.  He is a strong proponent of a strong world government and donates large amounts of money to the United Nations.  He is very much an environmentalist and fostered the creation of the "Captain Planet" cartoon.  He has talked about an apocalypse caused by over population coming very soon.   No one can question that he would have the money to fund the Guidestones. 

We will probably never know who Mr. Christian really is, but until the end of the world, we can all travel to the Guidestones and use it as a photo op for our children.

The Carpetbagger

Please feel free to e-mail me at jacobthecarpetbagger@gmail.com
and check out my Flickr Photostream