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Tuesday, March 11, 2014

An Ode to the Madness that is Bourbon Street

There are very few places in this great country that make one feel as if they have stepped out of their very body.  A strange mixture of heaven and hell does exist on earth.  Within the most insane state lies the most insane city, and within the city lies the most insane street:  Bourbon street.



What is the secret ingredient that creates this madness?  Its simple: drinking in the street.


Drunk people everywhere......Strip clubs draped in Mardi Gras beads.


Strippers wonder out into the street on their platform stilettos  beckoning you to enter (sorry, it felt to creepy to take pictures).

Strip clubs post pictures of "love acts" in their windows because they just don't give a shit if kids see them or not.


Please, Don't look at the above picture closely.

Speaking of kids, one of personal memories from Bourbon street was watching a young child cry while his dad cleaned vomit off his shoe and his mother took a picture.



When my wife made a comment about drink being too expensive on Bourbon Street some random guy standing behind us said "No kidding."  He then paused briefly and then said, "Hey you want to smoke some pot?".

The only thing that is there to break up the endless strings of bars and strip clubs is voodoo shops.


Open air bars feature drunken maniacs singing Tina Turner.....


And riding horrific mechanical bulls.......


Of course, contrary to popular belief, law and order do exist on Bourbon Street.  Police patrol Bourbon street on horseback for some reason.  It quickly becomes apparent that this is a poor decision as drunks crowd around petting and posing with the nervous horses who nervously back off and act as if they are about ready to plow through the crowd.


The traditional drink of New Orleans is of course the unfortunately named "Hurricane".  However, if you want to go super old school, you can always drink absinthe. 


Known for its alleged hallucinogenic powers, this drink was banned in the United States until fairly recently.  The ban was lifted when it was shown that the hallucinating aspect of Absinthe was proved to be mostly legend, or according to the local bartender that served us "Its not like dropping acid or anything."  Now we are all free to 15 dollars for a glass of foul, room temperature licorice water.



Of course in modern times the Hurricane, has some stiff competition in "The Handgrenade" the drink officially endorsed by Southern Rapper Ludacris.


The Handgrenade can be seen everywhere, in their trademark green glasses, as seen in the webam capture of a post Mardi Gras lull.


Lucky children may even get a chance to have their photo taken with the Handgrenade's official mascot "Mr. Hand Grenade Man".


Sorry for the blurry picture, but that's exactly how I remember it.  And so ended the most remarkable week of my life.  God bless this wonderful abomination, the drunkard's Disney World:  Bourbon Street.

The Carpetbagger

Please feel free to email me at jacobthecarpetbagger@gmail.com
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2 comments:

  1. People who bring their kids to Bourbon Street are idiots. They can't claim they've never heard of what happens there. It's like taking them to a bar. I get so upset when I see people pushing baby strollers through there. My own kids have crossed Bourbon up on Canal Street but they have never been on Bourbon and they are 16 and up. Nobody that lives here takes their kids, that's just crazy.

    The cops ride horses so they can see over the sea of humanity. Did you happen to get to see the Spider? It's a huge platform they erect at a cross roads so they can see in every direction.

    The Go Cups are only legal in the French Quarter. You can't walk around with them say in the Garden District. That's why we have drive-through daiquiri joints. Just keep the tape on the lid until you get home boys and girls.

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    1. I did notice that they have mixed drinks at the public park :)

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